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Gear101*
08-24-2002, 08:25 AM
guy goes out drink one night and just gets hammered.... so he calls into work the next day to tell the boss that he's not going to be able to make it in.. the boss say " we're really busy and need you in here" the guys goes on to tell the boss that he's not going to make it.. and he's really sorry.. the boss tells him " well i tell you what i do when i'm hung over.. i have my wife give me a blow job and in about 20mins or so i start feeling alot better" so the guy says that he'll give it a try and get back to the boss.. about 45mins goes by and the guy calls the boss back" boss that blowjob thing worked great.. and you ahve a nice house too" :D

bigdan
08-24-2002, 08:39 AM
farmer goes up to a door to sell some peaches beautiful young girl answers in t shirt and panties. he says would u like some peaches. she ask are they nice and firm like these and then pulls her shirt up to reveal her nice breast. he replys yes mam. she proceeds to pull her panties out and ask are they nice and fuzzy like this. the farmer answers yes mam then he starts to cry. she asks what is wrong . he says the frost got pears, the drought got my corn and now u are trying to fuck me out of my peaches

bigdan
08-24-2002, 08:39 AM
u hear about the man with 5 penisis ??



his pants fit like a glove

THE RON
08-24-2002, 01:56 PM
lol funy ass stories
specially the first one

Im sorry, dont have no story

CJWolford
08-24-2002, 03:27 PM
http://akrweb.com/joke/cartoons/ATT00763.gif

Stacker692000
08-24-2002, 03:35 PM
what did the one lesbian frog say to the other....."We DO taste like chicken".



Its all i could think of

bigdan
08-24-2002, 04:39 PM
what do u call a lesbian dinosaur???


lickolotapus

MacGyver
08-24-2002, 07:42 PM
This piece of string walks in to a bar. Sits down and says "Bartender! Get me a beer!"
The bartender says" Can't you see the sign! It says NO STRINGS ALLOWED"
So the piece of string gets up and goes outside. While he is out there he ruffles himself up, does a couple of flips and twists and then walks back inside.
He sits down and says "Bartender! Get me a beer"
The bartender comes over and asks "Hey....aren't you that same piece of string that was just in here?"
The piece of string says "No, I'm afraid not"


(frayed knot)

CJWolford
08-24-2002, 07:45 PM
A commandant came to a French Foreign Legion post to inspect the troops and
stay for a while. After an extensive tour of the grounds, the commandant
noticed a tent at the far edge of the camp and asked, "What is housed there
captain?"

After stumbling on the words, the captain nervously replied, "Well, sir, you
know how it is here--no women--life commitment to the post...well, ah, well,
um, er, that is ......" "Well what is it captain?" "Well, sir, the men have,
well, they have ..a..a..a...camel in there....and...they, well they you know
they take the camel and they ......" "Stop right there, captain, I've heard
enough - I don't want to hear any more about it. Such things going on in a
legion's post!"

As time went by--one week, two weeks, a month, the commandant naturally began
feeling the need for company. After he could take it no longer, the
commandant approached the captain asking "Captain, do the troops still have
that tent at camp's edge?"

Shocked, the captain replied, "Yes, commandant." "May I set up a time? How
about this evening?" Yes, of course, commandant--I will arrange everything."

In the early morning hours, the commandant spotted the tent and entered. He
saw a camel with a stool at its side. He positioned the stool, dropped his
drawers and began banging the animal madly.

The captain, worried about the commandant after not seeing him for so long,
made his way to the tent and entered thinking something was wrong. On seeing
what was going on the captain said politely, "Wouldn't it be easier,
commandant, to just ride it into town to meet the women like the other men
do?"

CJWolford
08-24-2002, 07:47 PM
A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate
that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the water. When
she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took
pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to
Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy and you'll keep me happy?" The girl nodded. What did she have
to lose?

In the dark of night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat under a tarp. From then on, every night he brought her three
sandwiches, coffee and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until
dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, the girl was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I have an arrangement with
one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe and every
night he brings me food and screws me." "He sure does, lady," said the
captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Gear101*
08-24-2002, 07:48 PM
wolf too much... lol

CJWolford
08-24-2002, 07:48 PM
A penguin is taking a road trip when his car suddenly breaks down. Luckily
for him, he finds himself just down the street from a mechanic. So, he
pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic to take a look.

The mechanic tells him that it will probably take a little while to find the
problem and asks him to come back in an hour.

The penguin goes over to the supermarket, buys some frozen fish sticks and
some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and spends the rest of the hour hanging
out in the frozen foods section.

After the hour is up, he waddles over to the mechanic's shop. Seeing him
come in, the mechanic walks over, and wiping his hands on a rag, says,
"Looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper and says, "No, it's
just vanilla ice cream."

CJWolford
08-24-2002, 07:49 PM
One evening after attending the theater two gentlemen were walking down the
avenue when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking
ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50
to spend the night with her." To their surprise, the woman, having
overhead the remark, turned and said "I'd be delighted to take you up on
that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, and after bidding
his friend goodnight, he accompanied the woman to her apartment and they
immediately went to bed.

The next morning, he presented her with $25 and as he prepared to leave she
demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the other $25,
I'll sue you for it." He laughed and said, "I'd like to see you try!" and
left.

He was surprised the next day when he was served with a summons demanding
his presence in court. He was the defendant and the young lady of the
previous evening was the plaintiff. She'd made good on her threat. So he
hurried to his lawyer and explained all the details. His lawyer said she
couldn't possibly get a judgement against him on such grounds and they went
to court.

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as
follows: Your honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property; a
garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she
agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum
of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively
for the purpose for which it was rented, but on evacuating the premises he
paid only $25. The rent is not excessive, since it is restricted property,
and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment
of the balance.

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case was
presented. His defense was as follows: Your honor, my client agrees that
the young lady has a fine piece of property, and that he did rent such
property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived for the
transaction, however, the defendant found a well on the property around
which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump; all labor
being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the
property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance. We, therefore, ask
that judgement not be granted.

The young lady's lawyer's rebuttal was: "Your honor, my client agrees that
the defendant did find a well on the property and that he did make
improvements as described. However, had the defendant not known that the
well existed, he would not have rented the property. Further, upon
evacuation, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took
the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through
the shrubbery, but left the well much larger than before his entrance, thus
making it more accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgement
to be granted.

She got her $25.

midwtchamp
08-24-2002, 08:18 PM
3 guys.....

A white guy, an indian guy and black guy were all sitting round talking and they decided they would put the "myth" to the test and see if blacks guy were really better equipped....well the 3 went to the top of empire state building. The white whipped his manliness out and if fell down 7 stories the other guys nodded and said not too bad for a white guy. Well the indian took his out and it went down 15 stories and the white guy said damn not bad....well in the mean time the black guy had let his out. WEll he was jumping up and down and moving all around. The white guy and indian asked him what the hell he was doing he said "dodging cars!"

peterhead
08-24-2002, 10:22 PM
A sucessfull buisnessman from New york goes to Las Vegas for the weekend. He loses all his money and has no way to get to the airport, so he flags a taxi and begs and pleads with him to accept a rain check or anything at all. The taxi driver says "F you
its cash or nothing "

Well, the buisnessman finds another way to the airport and returns home. A few weeks later he returns to Vegas and has a very lucky run.He collects his cash and is ready to leave.

When he steps out to the line of taxi's lined up in front of the casino he noticed the driver at the very end of the line looked very familiar.
So he proceded to the first cab entered, and asked "How much for a ride to the airport and a blowjob?" The driver says "get the hell out!". he moves on to the next and asked the same, he received the same responce. After asking almost every driver in the line and getting the same responce from all of them he enters the cab of the man who wouldn't hepl him out that one night not long ago. He asks the driver "how much for a ride to the airport?" he responds "$35". "Sounds good" said the buisnessman, and as he pulled up next to the previous cabs he give a big grin and thumbs up to every one of them yelling "I'm good"

kossdeh
08-25-2002, 04:53 PM
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
In the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she
needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella
agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your
diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella
doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,
looking love struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three
hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell
me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something
or other...."

kossdeh
08-25-2002, 04:54 PM
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent
flight. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he too would like a drink.
Mr. Falwell replied "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen
whore, than let liquor touch these lips."

The President then handed his drink back to the flight attendant
And said, "My apologies, I didn't realize there was a choice... I'll have the same thing."

kossdeh
08-25-2002, 04:55 PM
A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class
using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind
of Lifesavers and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is
it?"
The children began to say, " Red.. Cherry, Yellow.. Lemon, green...
lime, orange...
orange."
Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children sucked on
them for a while, but couldn't identify the taste. "Well," he said,
"I'll give you a hint. It's what your mother would call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled:
"Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"

kossdeh
08-25-2002, 04:59 PM
Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother
looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward the stairs to the bedroom. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?"

The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the boys is old enough to know what's going on, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's room and shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother. "Come with me," he says, and the boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older one turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our butts for sucking our thumbs

kossdeh
08-25-2002, 05:00 PM
An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Wicklow on
his holidays, and happens upon a small village. On the
road into the village he spies a local farmer leaning
on his gate patting his dog, so he figures he'll have
a little bit of good-natured fun. Ventriloquist:
"G'day Mate! Good-looking dog, mind
if I speak to him?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk,
ya stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's
it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Villager:
(look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this
villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog:
"Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog:
"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist:
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I
think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool" Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at
the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does
he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking.
He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist:
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "Listen mister, the sheep's a fuckin' liar."

GetnBigr
08-26-2002, 11:25 AM
no joke, just had to laugh......

bjtheman
08-26-2002, 11:54 AM
:D

You guys are great comedians!

Big Guns
08-26-2002, 12:05 PM
He says he is guilty:
A DPS agent in Booger County ‘pulled a driver over' and asked him why he was
speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler. He was on
his way to Branson to do a show that night, and didn't want to be late. The
deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would
do a little juggling for him, he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver
told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment ‘on ahead', and didn't
have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the
trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said
that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to
the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind
the squad car. A drunk got out of his car and watched the performance
briefly, then went over to the squad car and got in the backseat. The deputy
went over to his squad car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he
thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take me to jail;
there's no way I can pass that test."