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I got this out of maxim. Great magazine read it if you haven't yet!
Rule #19: No guy shall attempt to pick his own nickname. If a friend suddenly starts demanding to be called Diesel, it's your duty to saddle him with a handle like Wee-Bit or Sheet Stain.
Rule #188: You are within your rights to leave the poker table early if you're up. And the other players are within their rights to duct-tape your shaved body to the axle of a Peru-bound semi.
Rule #511: When asked, your best friend's girl is always beautiful-and never your type.
Rule #663: Even if God Almighty himself asks, you have no damn idea what brand of conditioner you use!
Rule #689: If you score tickets to a major sporting event and take your girlfriend over your buddy, he is perfectly within his rights to spend those three hours boning your mother.
Rule #732: Sex with a hot stewardess is still cheating. But sex with hot Swedish stewardess twins, surprisingly, is not.
Rule #802: You are not a fan of a major sport unless you can lucidly explain its overtime regulations. Conversely, you are not an American if you can lucidly explain the overtime regulations of soccer.
Rule #881: When ordering pizza, you are not required to provide a meatless option for any vegetarian interloper. If you have a backyard, however, you may invite him/her to graze.
Rule #1,111: One does not shave one's nether regions unless one is prepping for open-nether-region surgery.
Rule #1,765: If you're the new guy at work, "New Guy" is your only name until a new new guy shows up-even if you've been a senior VP for 12 years. Got it, New Guy? Great, now fetch us some coffee, New Guy! (God, we love that.)
Rule #3,005: The loser of a bet must be prepared to pay up on the spot. The winner, however, is obligated to accept any reasonable lame-ass double-or-nothing proposition, until the debt reaches one gazillion dollars.
Rule #4,001: Under no circumstances may one man ask another man a question that begins with, "So, what are you wearing to…?"
Rule #4,262: An anecdote about a threesome, no matter how unlikely and overwrought, may not be interrupted for any reason.
Rule #4,884: The official ranking of your friends' dorkwad hobbies, in order of how intensely you should mock them:
5. Fantasy sports leagues
4. Stamp collecting
3. Comic books
2. Doily knitting
1. Star Trek conventions
Rule #4,893: Unless she is specifically invited, it's not OK to bring along your girlfriend when meeting a drinking buddy. What the hell are you three possibly gonna talk about?
Rule #7,000: If a man compliments your "outfit," he is accusing you of being gay.
Rule #7,547: No phone call between men shall last more than one minute per year of friendship, unless it's about fixing something.
Rule #7,229: If your girlfriend refuses to do anal, or to swallow, or to perform any other sexual favor, it is your duty to stop her from spreading her evil gospel among your friends' girls.
Rule #7,975: It's OK to like Fight Club, Seven, and Snatch. It is not OK to be a Brad Pitt fan.
Rule #8,102: Never speak ill of another man's dog. Always speak ill of another man's cat. If the other man owns a gerbil, find another friend.
Rule #8,746: Corollary: Never hug another man from behind or allow yourself to be so hugged.
Rule #19: No guy shall attempt to pick his own nickname. If a friend suddenly starts demanding to be called Diesel, it's your duty to saddle him with a handle like Wee-Bit or Sheet Stain.
Rule #188: You are within your rights to leave the poker table early if you're up. And the other players are within their rights to duct-tape your shaved body to the axle of a Peru-bound semi.
Rule #511: When asked, your best friend's girl is always beautiful-and never your type.
Rule #663: Even if God Almighty himself asks, you have no damn idea what brand of conditioner you use!
Rule #689: If you score tickets to a major sporting event and take your girlfriend over your buddy, he is perfectly within his rights to spend those three hours boning your mother.
Rule #732: Sex with a hot stewardess is still cheating. But sex with hot Swedish stewardess twins, surprisingly, is not.
Rule #802: You are not a fan of a major sport unless you can lucidly explain its overtime regulations. Conversely, you are not an American if you can lucidly explain the overtime regulations of soccer.
Rule #881: When ordering pizza, you are not required to provide a meatless option for any vegetarian interloper. If you have a backyard, however, you may invite him/her to graze.
Rule #1,111: One does not shave one's nether regions unless one is prepping for open-nether-region surgery.
Rule #1,765: If you're the new guy at work, "New Guy" is your only name until a new new guy shows up-even if you've been a senior VP for 12 years. Got it, New Guy? Great, now fetch us some coffee, New Guy! (God, we love that.)
Rule #3,005: The loser of a bet must be prepared to pay up on the spot. The winner, however, is obligated to accept any reasonable lame-ass double-or-nothing proposition, until the debt reaches one gazillion dollars.
Rule #4,001: Under no circumstances may one man ask another man a question that begins with, "So, what are you wearing to…?"
Rule #4,262: An anecdote about a threesome, no matter how unlikely and overwrought, may not be interrupted for any reason.
Rule #4,884: The official ranking of your friends' dorkwad hobbies, in order of how intensely you should mock them:
5. Fantasy sports leagues
4. Stamp collecting
3. Comic books
2. Doily knitting
1. Star Trek conventions
Rule #4,893: Unless she is specifically invited, it's not OK to bring along your girlfriend when meeting a drinking buddy. What the hell are you three possibly gonna talk about?
Rule #7,000: If a man compliments your "outfit," he is accusing you of being gay.
Rule #7,547: No phone call between men shall last more than one minute per year of friendship, unless it's about fixing something.
Rule #7,229: If your girlfriend refuses to do anal, or to swallow, or to perform any other sexual favor, it is your duty to stop her from spreading her evil gospel among your friends' girls.
Rule #7,975: It's OK to like Fight Club, Seven, and Snatch. It is not OK to be a Brad Pitt fan.
Rule #8,102: Never speak ill of another man's dog. Always speak ill of another man's cat. If the other man owns a gerbil, find another friend.
Rule #8,746: Corollary: Never hug another man from behind or allow yourself to be so hugged.
