Tell me a joke

Lets here um

I have a rooster, and you have donkey. got it.

So your donkey eats the two feet off my rooster. What do you have?

What ??

I get it - lmao

you have 2 feet of cock in your ass

Doh

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.

Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.

By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
>>>speak.
>>>
>>>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>>>
>>>The monsignor replied, ³ When I am worried about getting nervous
>>>
>>>On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
>>>
>>>If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.²
>>>
>>>So next Sunday he took the monsignor¹s advice.
>>>
>>>At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
>>>
>>>He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>>>
>>>Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
>>>following note on
>>>the door:
>>>Sip the vodka, don¹t gulp.
>>>There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>>>There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>>>Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>>>Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>>>We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>>>The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
>>>Junior and the
>>>spook.
>>>David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
>>>When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don¹t
>>>say he
>>>was
>>>stoned off his ass.
>>>We do not refer to the cross as the ³Big T.²
>>>When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ³take this
>>>and eat it
>>>for it is my body.² He did not say ³ Eat me² .
>>>The Virgin Mary is not called ³ Mary with the Cherry,.
>>>The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
>>>for the
>>>grub,
>>>Yeah God.
>>>Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter¹s not
>>>a peter
>>>pulling contest at St. Taffy¹s.

A train hits a busload of nuns and they all perish.

Before they can be admitted to heaven, they must first answer a question from St. Peter who is waiting for them at the Pearly Gates.

He asks the first nun. "Sister Margaret, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun giggles and replies "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asked the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I was stepping over a naked man on the beach and my foot brushed against his penis." St. Peter says "OK dip your foot in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line. St. Peter asks, "Sister Beatrice, what seems to be the rush?"

The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle the holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in."

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden!"

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?" "Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow," he began. "Second ........ once in a while, I like to play with my money... "Third . I like how money feels in my hand... And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!

Good ones Harvey

the one with the nuns cracked me up