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tigerlily
08-14-2001, 09:14 AM
I understand what you guys are saying and I feel that many of you are right in the way that you feel and the things that you say.  Just to let you know he works out everyday too and most of the time we work out together.  He thinks I spend too much time in the gym because I do cardio and abs which are things that (lucky him) he does not have to work hard for (mesomorph).  But, unfortunately, to substain and improve my physic these are exercises that I must do.  I have reached a plateau in my strenght and physic, which was why I wanted the trainer.  His reply was that I needed to stop candy assin' around and figure it out myself and that they had nothing to teach me. I was devistated to find out that he had this philosophy, becuase I feel that you can learn a lot from every person you meet, whether it is bodybuilding, sewing, science, etc.  His closed mindedness makes me very sad.  But getting a divorce, even the thought of it is very difficult for me.  Although I am starting to feel that it may be the only opption for me and my happiness (FYI, no kids).

tiny
08-14-2001, 10:24 AM
science and bodybuilding i can't help you with, but drop me a pm if you want me to teach you the well hidden secrets of a knitted sweater.... LOL.. j/k

anyways... tell him to fuk of.. if you believe you need a personal trainer, get one... don't listen to what everybody else is saying... the divorce thingy i can't help you with, but for what it's worth i'm on the lookout for a roommate so... <!--emo&;)--><img src="http://musclechemistry.mantisforums.com/IB3/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo--> .... LMAO...

tiny

mr456
08-14-2001, 10:49 AM
Tigerlily...I firmly believe that you can break through your plateaus on your own. You obviously aren't a rookie when it comes to working out. Most personal trainers that I know don't know a whole lot about anything (no offense to Napalm or anyone on this board who is a trainer..this is just from my own personal experience in my area) Anyway..my wife was totally against me using &nbsp;AS until she saw me struggle week after week month after month with the same weight. Frustration soon follows and then the overwhelming feeling that you should just give up! You and I &nbsp;both know that when you see progression in your workouts it drives you even more. Loss of progress will eventually =loss of interest. So eventually my wife said &quot; OK but if you act like an ####### it will be your 1st and last cycle&quot; Needless to say once she saw that it wasn't the way it is portrayed by TV and media she realizedthat it was a good thing. Now she is on clen/t-3 and contemplating some light AS use.<!--emo&:)--><img src="http://musclechemistry.mantisforums.com/IB3/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo-->
&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;I guess what I'm trying to say here is you need to keep setting the bar higher..and if its gonna take AS to get over it then your husband is gonna have to understand your desire to achieve your accomplishments or get out of the way.
&nbsp; &nbsp; I do encourage you to try to involve him at all costs as a first measure. I agree with Sasha completely. He sounds like a control-freak. I know because i used to be this way. I was insecure and that was the cause of it. I think when guys are looking at my wife in the gym or whereever it is a good thing. I am proud that my wife is so desirable for other men to gawk at her. I know that my wife loves me and vice-versa...so there is no need to be jealous. I hope I am making some sort of sense here..it is bigger than your working out all the time. i think it is a matter of your husband being in control 100% of the time. Or at least wanting to. I hope everything works out for you. Have your husband sign-up...we'll go easy on him :biggrin:

Dezir
08-14-2001, 11:01 AM
I just can not understand him not wanting you to get a personal trainer. The fact that he works out with you is good. I know that you want to save your marraige, so I would just suggest that you keep talking to him and try to find out why he doesn't want you to get a trainer (get to the bottom of it) And try to keep it from getting heated. If he is getting upset then stop and try again in a few days. Try to let him know how important this is to you.....if he really cares I think he will try to understand. Maybe give him a note to explain how important it is for you to do this.....that way you can get it all out without the fighting. Tell him how much you care for him and you want him to be comfortable with this idea. Goodluck and let us know ........
Take care :cheesy:

BIG DAVE
08-14-2001, 11:01 PM
HEY TIGERLILY-IM SORRY TO HEAR THIS. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR HUSBANDS INSECURITIES ARE THE CULPRIT IN YOUR FRUSTRATION HERE.-SOMETIMES INSECURITIES CAN BE WORKED OUT, SOMETIMES NOT. THOSE WHO SEEK CONTROL OF A SITUATION ARE THE ONES WHO ARE THE MOST AFRAID. THE QUESTION IS -WHAT IS YOUR HUBBY FEARING HERE. &nbsp;YOURE GETTING &nbsp;A MALE PERSONAL TRAINER , IN HIS EYES, IS YOU SPENDING TIME WITH ANOTHER MAN IN A PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT.-SOMETHING HES NOT ABOUT TO LET HAPPEN, OR AT LEAST, VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH. DOES HE TRUST YOU? -TRUST MAY BE THE REAL ISSUE HERE. ASK HIM. &quot;HONEY, DO YOU TRUST ME?&quot;-IF HE DOES, THEN THIS IS MERELY A ROADBLOCK TO BE OVERCOME. IF HE DOESNT TRUST YOU, THERE IS A WHOLE OTHER ISSUE TO DEAL WITH. IF YOU ARE TELLING HIM HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO YOU, BUT HE REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, THAT CAN BE INDICATIVE OF A DEEPER PROBLEM. YOU MENTION THE POSSIBILITY OF DIVORCE, SO IM ASSUMING THIS PROBLEM HAS REARED ITS UGLY HEAD BEFORE, POSSIBLY IN OTHER ISSUES OF YOUR LIFE. PEOPLE DONT START USING THE &quot;D&quot; WORD JUST BECAUSE THEY CANT HAVE A PERSONAL TRAINER.-IM SURE THERE IS A WHOLE LOT MORE AT PLAY HERE. HIS DESIRE TO CONTROL YOU STEMS FROM HIS OWN FEELINGS OF WEAKNESS ABOUT HIMSELF--IF THESE SELF-PROJECTED INADEQUACIES ARE NOT ADRESSED, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE TAKING THE BRUNT OF HIS OVER-CONTROLLING DESIRES.-SO FAR, IT DOESNT SOUND LIKE IT JIBES WITH YOU. THE REMAINING QUESTION IS &quot; CAN YOU TALK TO HIM ON A LEVEL OF UNDERSTANDING, WHERE YOU CAN BOTH SEE EYE TO EYE, AND COME TO SOME SORT OF AGREEMENT ON THIS ISSUE&quot;. -THAT IS THE BEST CASE SCENARIO- UNDERSTANDING USUALLY LEADS TO RECONCILIATION. &nbsp;OF COURSE, IF HE WONT LISTEN TO YOU, ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE WHICH RECOURSE YOU CHOSE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. &nbsp;BOTTOM LINE IS, YOU HAVE TO HAVE A SPOUSE WHO IS CONSIDERATE OF YOUR NEEDS, LISTENS TO YOU, EVEN IF HE DOESNT AGREE, AND CAN SEE BEYOND HIS OWN INSECURITIES, AND LET GO OF FEARS , ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT IS THIS IMPORTANT TO YOU.-I WISH YOU THE BEST, AND DO KEEP US POSTED ON HOW YOURE DOING.-BIG DAVE

NAPALM1
08-14-2001, 11:51 PM
Personal trainers can be very effective and help out a lot as long as you find a good one. It sounds like he is jealous or insecure to me. A lot of people would make much greater strides towards their goals if they spent a couple months working with a trainer, and that is a fact that has been proven time and time again. &nbsp;I am sorry that you have to be arguing about something both of you seem to love doing a lot. Good luck and if we can be of any help let us know. Later

Deja7
08-15-2001, 12:37 AM
Maybe your husband's disappointed because he wanted to be your personal trainer. &nbsp;
Tell him, &quot;Honey, I need a professional trainer at the gym, but you and I can 'play' personal trainer at home.&quot; &nbsp;;)

LOL
-Deja <!--emo&:)--><img src="http://musclechemistry.mantisforums.com/IB3/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':)'><!--endemo-->

bahns
08-15-2001, 02:02 AM
great idea deja...but what if he thinks she does the same with her trainer??...just a thought but hey if that works...GO FOR IT.....i would at least try....

NAPALM1
08-15-2001, 11:34 AM
Training your significant other is a terrible idea. It very seldom works. Trying to teach your significant other to do anything is usually a pain in the ass and ends up in an arguement. Most personal trainers have taqken classes and went through workshops to learn how to work with people and clients see them as professionals and will listen and do what these people say. When its your significant other most people tend to be a little more defensive and say stuff like- &quot;thats what I am doing&quot;! or &quot;That just doesn't make any sence&quot; and so on. They would never dream of saying this to someone they are paying money to. Talk to him and tell him you want a personal trainer and if he wants it to be a woman, get a woman. There are a lot of great female personal trainers out there and they know as much about excersize than men. This should make him more comfortable and you get a profesional to help you attain your goals. Later

Deja7
08-15-2001, 01:11 PM
I totally agree, NAPALM. &nbsp; :)

Tigerlily should definitely hire a professional to be her trainer at the gym.

-Deja &nbsp;:)

dedprez*
08-15-2001, 01:19 PM
dezir is right.....writing a note definitely gets everything out and there is no....buts or wait...or shut ups....try the note thing....

daling
08-21-2001, 12:39 AM
Yes, you can learn things from different people but not everything is benificial.
For one I don't think your workouts and your body is worth trading in for a marriage. I think you should continue to work out with your husband at the gym (it can be good quality time together) and just drop the whole personal trainer thing. I was a personal trainer in calif for years and have been in the gym bus for 27 years. So I can give a little advise ....personal trainers are good for some but you seem to have the experience and fortunatly a husband who shares your interest (count your blessings), your husband is right you will figure out what to do about your plateau . As far as personal trainers go for you (with your experience) no one can tell about what works best for your body but you. Just keep going to the gym . Have fun. And maybe what he means by &quot;candy assing&quot; is that you need to work out more intensely. Relationships will always be hard no matter who your with. Just different problems with different people...I don't see how everyone can make a judgment about a short paragraph and give the advise you got....especially when they have said worse things to their spouses!
WORK IT OUT !

Deja7
08-21-2001, 12:53 AM
Great post, Darlene!

Much wisdom. &nbsp;:)

-Deja

daling
08-21-2001, 06:40 PM
The real Darlene....Please stand up!.......Please stand up!

Yes, I'm the real darlene......:biggrin:

That was my hubby up above (Older than Dirt) He accidently signed in under my name........

Tigerlily,

I read your posts yesterday and since my husband got involved I thought I'd clear my name and give my 2 cents.........My husband being in the health club business for decades and now as his wife he is my worse enemy at times when it comes to my own training.
So I have an idea what your going through. I could not have asked for a better work (only one who can spot me &amp; make me work at it!<!--emo&:angry:--><img src="http://musclechemistry.mantisforums.com/IB3/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/mad.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=':angry:'><!--endemo-->)out partner than him but he can sure piss me off in the gym. I've been working out for 6 years but it wasn't until the Old fart I got serious. In the past 1yr 1/2 he has pushed me to extremes and now I'm reaping the benefits. I've got a little ways to go until I'll be at my goal. Now I'm tapping into my own body and trying to break those barriers &amp; plateaus. It is tuff.....
The &quot;D&quot; word is serious business &amp; a little scuffle over the trainer is not a big thing to sweat! Us women do get irritated w/our men and have our moments and using this board to vent.....is a healthy way to let your frustrations out.....it will pass now if there are other issues......only you know your situation.......
but on the training.......Maybe you should spend a little more time focusing on weight training.....You mentioned how you spend alot of time on abs &amp; cardio. I spent way to much time on the same things a couple years back.......then Husband came into the picture had me focus on weight &amp; strength . Just a little suggestion.......
Good luck w/ everything and I hope everything works out between you and your husband.....like my husband mentioned....it is quality time you both can be spending together and you both can enjoy what you like best! <!--emo&;)--><img src="http://musclechemistry.mantisforums.com/IB3/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif" border="0" valign="absmiddle" alt=';)'><!--endemo-->

tigerlily
08-23-2001, 09:30 AM
BigDave hit it on the head. &nbsp;After a long discussion he basically said that he felt like I was spending our money to buy time for me to spend with another guy. &nbsp;He said that he feels like everytime I take on a new venture, running in the morning, training with a trainer, etc. takes time away from him. &nbsp;Since I work two jobs there is not a lot of time to spare. &nbsp;But on the same hand he doesn't do any of the little things, like laundry, to help free up what time I have outside my job. &nbsp;I let him know that everything I do is because I have to, work, clean, run errands. &nbsp;Working out is the only thing that I do that is a hobby and that I was not going to give it up. &nbsp;For now, I am not training with a trainer. &nbsp;But I am now considering AAS to help me over my plateau, which means I will be doing it behind his back. &nbsp;I feel that he is not leaving me many options. &nbsp;Another thing to help you guys understand our situation: &nbsp;He works at night (bartender) and goes to school (m-w-f). &nbsp;I work morinings(scientist) and work evenings on the weekend (serving). So I go to bed around 10:30pm and am up at 5:00am. &nbsp;He usually stays up to 2:30am and gets up around noon.

BJ
08-23-2001, 09:42 AM
From the above post appears you guys have nothing in common AND, to top it all, have no time to spend together. &nbsp;In my opinion if this continues your relationship will just fade into two acquaintences who live together.

When I was married a good few years ago my training got in the way. &nbsp;I was accused of being selfish etc.. &nbsp;To be honest, training and self goals do make you selfish with your time. &nbsp;You may love the person your with and may want to enjoy there company and share common interests. &nbsp;But if they want to change who you are, how can they love who you are? &nbsp;They love what they want you to be.

In my case divorce was the only solution, she just wouldn't meet halfway.

Be yourself, let him accept who you are. &nbsp;If he doesn't like who you are you shouldn't be together. &nbsp;You'll end up floggin' a dead horse !!

mr456
08-23-2001, 09:43 AM
Hmmm...he is a bartender huh? Well that will explain his attitude alot. Being in that type atmosphere you see how peoples inhibitions and morals can go right out he window. That is probably scaring him a little. Yeah...I think its a good idea for him to do the housework since you work 2 jobs so he can go to school. I know that I am expected to..lol...except laundry...I'm not allowed to do that anymore. :biggrin:
&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Anyway sounds like you guys are making some sacrifices now to better yourselves down the road which is a good thing. Doing AAS behind his back is gonna be very hard!!! Remember he is at home a lot more than you are!! You start wanting to have freaky sex 3 times a day all of the sudden and he might start diggin thru drawers.
&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I'm not tellin you want to do but I just think that a spouse needs to know for a lot of reasons like...medical emergencies(you get in an accident and are unconcious). Not to mention didn't your vows go: I Lilys husband promise to love and cherish Lily for as long as we both shall live&quot; I'm thinking that means that you can do some juice and he will still cherish you!!! As always I wish you good luck.

08-23-2001, 11:43 AM
Lily... honestly .. you seem to be a really difficult situation.

First of all... we're here to console you but only YOU can truely decide what to do... we give you different scenarios, situations, and possible outcomes .. but mostly opinions.. they are unbiased (maybe some are biased i dunno) outside opinions.. but only you can truely understand what your husband is like.

Bartending is a tough job.. think about how much he has to &quot;sell&quot; his personality to make the amount of money you need to survive... &nbsp;it's NOT just a job to serve drinks.. and being a server you know that you're basically selling your entire self.. you're a salesperson and you're doing whatever it takes to get the sale (or tips for that matter).

His occupation will put him in a rutt... day in .. day out.. passifying people who want to get rid of sorrows, get ass, or just plain ol' get drunk... he sleeps till noon ... he gets 10hours of sleep a night?? &nbsp;must be nice.. i live off of 3-5... maybe 6 if i'm lucky. &nbsp;You guys need to spend time w/ each other or you're relationship will turn to nothing. &nbsp;Ever heard of something called &quot;mutual shutdown?&quot; ... my ex and I read this book ... was called something like &quot;Too good to leave, too bad to stay&quot;... we read it together.... it makes alot of good points and does it in a scenario/checklist type of atmosphere... we read it together and out loud.. &nbsp;and i learned alot.. but still wasn't completely honest w/ myself right away even though i knew what had to be done... &nbsp; so i broke off our engagement... it had to be done.. it sucked... but, we both knew it wasn't gonna last...

Regardless.. mutual shutdown .. &nbsp;make sure you talk about your issues.. don't let them go to the wayside.. or hide.. what will happen is you will both choose to ignore it.. like nothing is wrong.. till at one point one side will say fuck it.. i'm outta here.. or blow up in an argument and use it against you.... it's terrible... &nbsp;mutual shutdown is one of THE MOST causes for breakups... mostly b/c of lack of communication...

Ya know I figured something out when i was 16... a good while back... and I was told by my grandparents that some people never have this revelation... &nbsp;maybe that's why nice guys do finish first in the end.. (maturity kicks in.. and the assholes aren't always on top... they get boring)..

(3) things that are needed to make a relationship work.. and keep in mind you can't have one w/ the others:

1) Respect
2) Honesty
3) Communication

you don't respect someone.. you won't be honest..
you aren't honest.. there's no real comminucation and no respect..
you don't communicate.. there's no honesty b/c not telling the whole truth b/c it a question wasn't specifically asked.. is just as bad as lying to someone's face... &nbsp;

just a few more cents to add from the peanut gallery... &nbsp;maybe you'll want to check out this book... it truely is an unbiased informational source.. possibitlites of why you should definitely stay or definitely leave a relationship.

hope it all works out... you have my prayers..

BIG DAVE
08-23-2001, 02:34 PM
STICKLER, BY FAR THE MOST USEFUL REPLY IN THIS WHOLE THREAD---ALL OF IT TRUE.-THANX FOR THESE WORDS OF WISDOM BRO--GOOD LUCK TIGERLILY!

Auriflex
08-24-2001, 04:01 PM
I just visited this thread today, and I'd like to add something. &nbsp;The husband is taking classes. &nbsp;I would think he will be looking for a 9-5ish job after he gets a degree. &nbsp; Then tigerlily could quit her serving job, and they could spend their mutually free evenings together. &nbsp;It's all good. &nbsp;About the AAS, if tigerlily wants to utilize them just do it. &nbsp;Tigerlily already knows how he feels.
Why drag it out?

If for some reason, things turn ugly - I'll give you operating instructions for the Carver 1000 Industrial Woodchipper.