Jokes

Jokes

Father O'Malley answers the phone: "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".

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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

The Car Accident
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogan David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Pray to Win the Lottery
A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray ...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob prays again ...

"God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes, and Jacob still has no luck!!

One last attempt ...

"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?!?".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself:

"JACOB, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE -- BUY A DAMN TICKET!"

Nice ones Sachet! LOL