Beyonce Knowles....

So I was on a little road trip this weekend. Work had really tried my last ounce of sanity and I needed to get away. I just jumped in the car and drove, no extra clothes, no map, no plan - I just needed to get away!

I guess I ended up traveling west, music blaring, windows down, alone and loving life. After about 8 hours parts of my mind tempted me from every returning to reality....thats when the engine started smoking. I swore at FORD...they ALWAYS live up to their name (Found On Road Dead)....even though it was a 2001 I vowed never to own one of these pieces of trash again as I pulled over to the side of the road. About 100 miles ago I had hopped off the interstate and decided if I really wanted and escape the scenery on the backroads would be much more interesting than the butt end of a 18 wheeler driven by a toothless, hairless, horny, 50 yr old who hadn't showered in weeks and had the remanents of last weekends meal still on his shirt.

SO I pulled over, popped the hood and watched the damn engine whizz and snarl as smoke or steam poured out of it. What in the world was I going to do? I didn't have my cell phone...one of the things I left back in Hotlanta that would have been really handy at this point...and the back roads were pretty desolate...wherever I was.

Finally, after my engine stopped grumbling and 2 hours had passed without any passerbys I figured out a plan. I was going to _______________

walk west because the last road i passe was 10 miles back...

sing crazy in love?

So I headed back to the last road I passed...about 10 miles back. I still had that song "Crazy in Love" in my head...and started belting it out to entertain me as I walked. Miles passed when finally (PRAISE JESUS) I saw a truck in the distance....barreling along the partially paved road in my direction (probably going 20 miles faster than the road safely allowed...fishtailing and spitting up rocks during its approach). Now was really my only opportunity to get help unless I finished my 10 mile jaunt...which wasn't really appealing considering I still had my heels on.

Living in a city makes you quite leery of strangers, but how nutty could someone be that lived in the country? I mean, they probably didn't have cable or even know sociopath serial killers even existed, right?

So I excitedly started to wave down the truck as it was only a few yards away from me. It ________________________

was a truck load of strippers from Miami being driven by The Big Cheese.

began to smoke and hiss and started to leak oil and finally made an awful clanging sound as it breathed its last breath.

swerved towards me and began to chase me down. i was running, running, running away and all of a sudden________...

damn... we all f'ing responded at the same time!!!!!!

(LMAO, I can make this work.....)

The truck swerved towards me and began to chase me down. i was running, running, running away and all of a sudden it began to began to smoke and hiss and started to leak oil and finally made an awful clanging sound as it breathed its last breath. Once the dust cleared and my eyes stopped watering I realized my nightmare had just began. It was a truck load of strippers from Miami being driven by The Big Cheese.

Not only had The Big Cheese hijacked these woman, but he didn't even have the decency to allow them a comfortable ride. They looked like a bunch of immigrants sitting in the bed of the truck 1/2 naked and clutching the sides to prevent being *bounced* out onto the gnarley pavement.

One by one the women started to cry (I had no idea strippers were so emotional!..but I guess the circumstances allowed for odd behavior) The Big Cheese jumped out, banged both fists on the hood of the rusty old Chevy and cursed.

I figured I had a window of about 3 seconds to jump into the marshy ditch unnoticed when I heard one of the girls say, "____________________"

Look isnt that sugarbaby from the cheetah in atlanta ?

Hey I ain't no hijacker

"Look isnt that sugarbaby from the cheetah in atlanta?" All of the other girls turned my way and started nodding and smiling.

"Yeah, that is her," one of them responded, "I studied her pole dancing techniques a solid year before I could master any of them!"

Completely flattered, I decided I could stay a few minutes to sign some autographs and take pictures. Meanwhile, The Big Cheese kept stomping around the front of the truck swearing under his breath and alternating between kicking the pavement and pummeling the tires with his well worn boot.

After all the girls who wanted autographs had been pacified, I approached one of the girls who looked a bit more shaken up than the others. She was sitting in the corner of the bed with her knees pulled up to her chest and her head buried. I gently touched her on the shoulder and said, "_______________"

Its ok Sachet, his bark is much worse than his bite...

Can You get The Big Cheese to stop venting and take his shirt off. Please

"Sachet is just my stage name," The girl managed to say as she quivered. Then she lifted her head and looked up at me. I gasped in shock and took two steps back from the truck!

"My real name is Beyonce Knowles," She said as she hopped from the back of the truck, "and I know my boy Jigga is on a hot pursuit to find this lunatic that kidnapped us."

A million things were racing through my head like, Why was beyonce a stripper as a side job? Why did The Big Cheese hijack these woman? and how in the world am I going to get outta here?

I guess The Big Cheese has ESP because he instantly came charging my way and retorted, "I ain't no hijacker. i love deez 'ere woman and I plan on mak'n each and ev'ry one uh dem my wife as soon as we make it to You-TAH!"

By the look on his face I knew he wasn't someone to be reckoned with. So I ________________________

Very Clever sugarbaby

Kicked him in the balls and jumped in the truck and tried to crank it.

Get back here with my strippas

I tried and tried to crank the truck as Beyonce aka Sachet jumped into the passenger seats and all the strippers in back were taunting The Big Cheese with, "Take off your shirt and maybe we'll give you a ride"

But The Big Cheese just kept hitting the windows to the cab and saying "Don't chu take my strippas!"

Then he remembered something and started to chuckled, "The next major town is Mobile, Alabama and it is 50 miles from here, you ain't gonna get that far on 1/8 of a tank of gas anyways!"

I slammed my fists on the steering wheel...I needed a plan B. Just then 10 helicopters started to appear in the horizon! It was __________________

Ashton Kutcher and Demi. The Big Cheese says "Am I being punked"