I don't know what to do!!

Yesterday i found out my ex-boyfriend killed himself. I got home from work, and his parents called me, and told me the awful news. He was on medication for depression, he was in the hospital in February, because he was having really bad anxiety attacks. I'm sorry for the post, but i'm so upset, and hurt, and i don't understand why he did it. He wrote me a letter saying why, and he said he couldn't deal with the pain of depression anymore. This is so hard on me, i don't know what to do. I keep thinking it's a big nightmare, and i'll wake up and he'll be fine. But i know it's not. He said he's sorry for hurting me, but he can't live any more. I'm so messed up right now. I don't know how to deal with this. When does the pain of it all stop? I haven't gotten to sleep yet. I keep thinking about him, and seeing him in my head, and picturing him doing that in my head..Oh God!! this is so hard to deal with. I don't know how to go on, dealing with all this pain and hurt. Not being able to see him anymore, knowing he's gone. It's gonna be so hard to deal with. Again, I'm sorry for the post, just wanted to let some of the pain out.

don't know what to say..that's horrible... feel free to pm me or something.. chat perhaps.. dunno.. anything i can do let me know ...

take care ..
tiny

For something so tragic and devasting, please rely on professional help.  You have to find a good therapist, who knows what questions to ask you.  Most of us can only guess what you're going through - but perhaps someone here will read this and will be able to relate.

I am very very sorry to hear about this, please know that you and his parents are in all of our thoughts.

You have whatever support we can give you.

sorry to hear of the loss...i think that only time will heal the broken heart. also..dont let him drag u down so to speak... meaning that he was depressed becuz of whatever(not sure what)...dont let him killing himself bring u down to the point where he was at. there can not b anything in life that is that bad that your only escape would b to kill yourself.
 remember the good times that u had and look towards the future....it will get better...time will heal.

Baby.....I am so sorry to hear this.  I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.  If you need to talk....you can pm anyone of us (or all of us ) to meet you in the chat room, also....If you use MSN messenger, I am signed on almost all day while I am at work....if you need....I am here.  I can't even imagine the pain you must be in, maybe being close to his parents will help all of you get thru this.  Please, lean on us as much as you need....and there is nothing wrong with your post at all.  We are a family here, and when one of use is hurt...we all feel the pain.  Try to stay strong and the only thing that will make this better is time, so give it to yourself.  And Auri suggestion about seeing a threapist....that is good advice.  Again, I am so sorry that you are having to go thru this!

i know where you are coming from on this.. jan 3 last year my ex did that.. he called me numerous times that day.. wanted to see me.. just to talk.. and about an hour or so before he did it. we talked and he apolgized for everything rotten that he had done to me.. (very long story) but by this time he was so depressed and hung up on drugs (nubain, coke, K, and more) that he couldn't take it any longer... hell we even made plans to meet up the next night to talk and have a drink.. he was laughing.. joking..etc.. so the next day when i got the call i freeked.. hell i didn't stop crying for weeks... mths..
auri's advise of seeing someone is good.. don't do what i did.. i looked my self off completely from the outside world (because of him it was already partial cut off in my head) .. i wouldn't talk to people.. wouldn't go anywhere but work and gym.. i hurt so bad.. every song i heard hurt.. every place i went.. something reminded me of him.. it was not a healthy way to deal with all that was going on... worked for me.. but do not recommend to any one else..
first.. it is not your fault.. if he had it set in his head to complete this act there was nothing in the world you could have done... nothing.. i cannot stress that enough to you.. hell i made my self crazy for @6mths.. until i realized that.. please do not do that to yourself...
second.. time.. it takes time.. losts of time.. to deal with what you are feeling.. you have to keep in mind everytime you think about it that you need to keep going on and moving up in your life. (that thought was the only thing that kept me saine...) if it was not for feeling.. his time is done now.. i have to make the most of mine..  u cannot let your life stumble because of his actions.. and i stress his actions.. it was not your choice, but his...
really please go see a therapist.. they can help alot..even if just someone to talk to that is objective to the whole thing.. (sometimes friends and family do not cut it here.. mine hated him.. so u can see how it would be.)  talk to someone professional... you cannot hold it in.. sad to say i didnt say good bye to him until july.. i went back to his site to say good bye and finally let go... don't wait that long.. you have to many good things happening in your life right now.. to many..
to let this set you back..
sasha

I am so sorry to hear for your loss. I dont know what to say except you will be in my prayers.

thank you for the support...I'm trying to hang in there, but it's very hard....I just keep thinking about him...and it's very, very hard...i'm with my family now...trying to stay strong..thanks again for the support.

I am very sorry to hear about this. Its always hard to lose someone in your life. Especially when its so sudden. The pain does get better, but it takes time. I hope you find peace soon. Napalm

Sorry to hear about it.......you will be in my prayers and stay strong.

sorry....you will be in my prayers

Sorry for your loss, but i would definately seek professional help. You dont want to let depression set in. I knew a kid in HS that commited suicide, and our whole class was effected, his close friends are still not right today, involved in alot of things that they shouldnt be, all because they cant cope. So i would suggest seeking the help of a professional.

I'm terribly sorry Babysiren.  I am here for you if you need me.  Take Care,,,bigjosh

My prayers are with you...if you have a Higher Power, look to them and he/she will show you the way.  We are all here for you.
RT

Wow,

First of all, don't let anyone tell you that professional help is bad or wrong.  Professional help is there for a reason.  I've been to a professional for certain things.. and it helped.  In the long run it worked out for a reason.  Many people have expereinces, some are very different and some are very similar.. but regardless they effect us all as individuals.  Seeing pain in someone you love is very difficult as well as not having what you wish you could.. (if that doesn't make sense to most of you, I appologize.. I'm hoping she understands what I mean).

When sasha said you have good things going for you in your life right now and not to let this affect the overall outcome... ... well I may not be a master mind.. but you remind me of sasha in several circumstances and in many regards.. remember people are there for you that want to be... and remember that ... well ... I'm ... rambling..

I'm sorry for your loss... and I KNOW you can get through this.  Look to those close for comfort...  why? .. b/c in all actuality... it truely is comfort.  The professional help just allows you to get an unbiased view and maybe an extra ear for release.

... ..