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View Full Version : The Great-American Meat-Out (Satire)



sgrinavi
09-10-2002, 11:40 AM
It's that time of year again, the time when thousands of somber garden-grazers all over the country observe "The Great American Meat-Out."

This festival is modeled on the Great American Smoke-Out, one day during which all cigarette smokers are supposed to try to give up their disgusting, unhealthy, socially obnoxious habit for just 24 hours. But this month the disgusting, unhealthy, socially obnoxious habit we're supposed to try to give up for one day is eating meat.

Meat is bad for you, so don't eat it, proponents of the Meat-Out say. Animals have feelings, too, they point out: what gives us humans the right to hoover other creatures? Some of the more socially savvy vegetarian polemicists focus on meat's shameful lack of ecological efficiency. In addition to all its other unsavory characteristics, meat-eating wastes water.

It takes 2,500 to 6,000 gallons to produce 1 pound of meat, one Meat-Out flack claims, but only 25 gallons to produce a pound of wheat. It takes 36 gallons of water to produce a serving of rice, versus 1,303 gallons for a hamburger.

Personally, I think a nice pot roast is worth a little extra water, but then I've got my own well. And if you are going to pick nits anyway, feed lots support a multitude of flies. Don't they have rights, too?

Maybe the solution is to eat vegetarians. After all, they are pure grain- and vegetable-fed, just like prime meat, and by their own account not superior to sheep, morally or intellectually, to say nothing of sexually. They're probably lower in fat, too. I bet they don't use much water, either, especially if you dry-roast them.

Hey, calm down and get away from that typewriter. I'm kidding. I wouldn't eat a vegetarian if you paid me, unless of course there was no other protein available. I'll bet they are really stringy and tough. And to be honest, I'm as disgusted by meat that doesn't come out of a butcher's case as the next guy.

But really, doesn't anyone else find it astounding, the way moral vegetarians have managed to make their wacky and pathetic food phobia into a socially acceptable "lifestyle"?

Imagine your reaction if you met someone who self-righteously proclaimed herself to be a carnivore. "I only eat meat," she'd say. "I think eating vegetation is disgusting and immoral. Vegetables are so peaceful, so sedentary. They have the right to die a natural, seasonal death with out being murdered."

You'd invite her over to dinner, only to have her sneer at the stew you spent hours preparing and say, "I'm sorry, but I can't eat this. I'm just physically revolted by dead tomatoes, carrots and (a stifled sob) those poor little potatoes."

At a restaurant, she'd look at her order suspiciously and say, "Was this steak cooked with onions?"

Or "This chicken wasn't fried in (look of horror combined with disgust) vegetable oil, was it?"

Or "I'll have my diet burger plate without the cottage cheese or the vegetables, and make sure you leave off the parsley garnish."

And of course the bumper sticker on her car would proudly proclaim: "No basil died to make my dinner."

Would you accept this as evidence of a more elevated moral nature, or even as a mild but harmless eccentricity? No way. You'd think this woman was an absolute crank and you'd be falling all over yourself to get her out of your house and your life.

Or am I just overreacting to the animal-rights-mongering moral vegetarians, particularly those related to my wife, who on at least one occasion have called me a "blood-sucking cow-killer"?

Well, my contribution to the "Great American Meat-Out" is a wonderful recipe for a 10-pound brisket of beef. Because I'm not a rigid lunatic, I suggest you cook it with onions, tomatoes and carrots and serve it with some potato dumplings. That's 60,000 gallons of water for the beef and a couple more to cook the dumplings, but who's counting?

bjtheman
09-10-2002, 11:42 AM
That's like a 24HR Meat Buffet!! LOL

Harvey Balboner
09-10-2002, 11:47 AM
Well to quote Fat Bastard on why to eat meat.

"I'm bigger than you, I'm higher on the food chain, get in my belly!"

notacow
09-10-2002, 04:38 PM
I only eat free range vegitarians.