My lack of sex thread

[bigshug]

OK, so I drop little hints all the time in my posts that should clue you in to the fact that my wife and mine's sex life just ain't what it used to be. Lately, things had gotten better but then......

We had all but decided that we would get a separation, and then at the last minute she decided (this is the way it happens every time, if I had suggested that we "work it out" she would've said "no, I don't want to try with you anymore") that we should do one of three things 1. take a vacation, just the two of us 2. go see a counselor 3. talk things over, and try to consense on what we should do.
None of these things happened, as I told her that my only gripe - aside from her spendind WAAAAY too much money at times without even talking it over with me - is that I don't get sex as often as I'd like. She agreed, and told me that she'd work on becoming more sexual for me (shouldn't it be that way anyway?), and things were OK for a few days. But then, as it happens every time, she started denying me repeatedly and then would get mad with me when I got frustrated.
Let me say this...I'm not used to NOT having sex...a lot. GF's in the past have been very sexual, and no, they weren't women of low moral value.
Lately, too, on specific days when the majority of couples I know have sex.....we dont'. Case in point------

Last Thurs was our 4 yr anniversary. No sex, I tried and she just said, "I'm sorry." Fri...no sex - yup, I tried again. Sat, the day we decided to actually celebrate our anniversary, no sex. She even got drunk and promised it to me when we got home, and then nothing happened. She acted all whiny, and said we'd "do it" the next morning.....then she refused the next morning, too. Sun night, she was kinda flirty and wanted me to massage her back and legs - which, lately has led to some action - and then denied me, and even covered her "naughty bits" up and fought me when I tried to cop a feel. And she wonders why I walk around moody, pissed off, and right on the ragged godd@mn edge all the time.....

Problem is, she doesn't get it. She doesn't think that making me wait for weeks or even months (went for 14 month stretch once) is a bad thing. I don't know anyone who would've stayed faithful to their wife this long under these circumstances. Everyone I've spoken with, and I try to give as non-biased and objective a stance as I can - has agreed that what she's doing is not fair. She responds to that by saying that I work with a bunch of rednecks who don't know shit... so I respond with, "So why don't you ask your best friend and her husband what they think? Why don't you ask [him] what he'd do if his wife cut him off for that long?" She won't do it though....

It sucks folks. I really need affectionate contact and it's just not happening. She even said that she doesn't like to give back rubs and things of that nature....not because it's me, but just because she doesn't feel like it. I even joked with her the other day and said she was too lazy to have sex, and she AGREED. What the fuck??

The fact that I'm on gear makes it even worse, as my sex drive is through the roof and I have no one to satisfy me......I'm not saying it's her "duty" or anything like that, but it should be part of a loving relationship. She claims that she loves me more than anything, but then won't do shit with me.....

And no, she's not cheating. I believe that with 100% of my being.

It sucks to think of ending a relationship with someone about whom you care sooo much "just because of sex" but it's my opinion that it's a necessary part of a healthy relationship. Period. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this......I know that I have my children to consider, but isn't my happiness important, too??

 

[jaywooly]

 

[BiggerStronger]

Ok, I don't know everything...but I do know of a few things about women. First off...quite pressuring her. It probably aggravates the problem worse. I'm sure if someone is pressuring you to lone them so money you're not as inclined to loan it to them. Right? Now I know that's hard not to show your frustrations, but you need to start by denying her any sexual gratifications. (I.e backrubs, sex talk, etc.) Don't offer...be more chum-chum to her or act more like a friend than a lover. You need to start doing your own thing, like going out with your friends more often. I know you work really hard to make your self more attractive and fit so start using that too your advantage. Start dropping hints that you met some great people and you had such a great time while you're out. I mean you guys have already decided for seperation(or at least she has) so you might as well start having some fun and revive your friendships or create new ones.

Women are strange in the fact that once they realize they are in control and have something there is basically not a huge interest in what they have anymore. Their relationship is not as fun or interesting anymore. Like the saying goes most of the fun is in the chase. That saying applies to everyone's relationships. You need to keep people on their toes every so often. You have to make them realize that they are lucky to be with you and if they don't appreciate you like they should they will lose you. Change up your routine...go out and meet people...perhaps she'll finally realize that "wow, he's having so much fun with these other people...or all these women think he is so funny..." It will make her mind run with all sorts of wild thoughts. This is a good thing. Who knows? You may even meet some women that really strikes your interest and if you guys really do seperate you will not be left a lonely person, because you did not let your wife destroy your emotional stability and ability to live life to its fullest.

 

[gymrat]

I'm sorry bro, but if that was my case, my frustration would've boiled over into a separation. Now I'm not saying that sex is everything in a marriage, BUT it is part of a marriage. Both partners need to fullfill the others needs socially, intellectually, financially, lovingly, and yes sexually. Sexual frustration in a relationship could lead to bigger problems down the road as every little minute thing may start to be magnified by you due to your frustration.

 

[mbstrong]

well, said bigger.......go out have fun and meet new people. If she cares she will start to get jealous and will start wanting you. Women do this to me when I start to get in control and it works I love a woman that stands up for herself sometimes but the key is not to let it happen all the time. Even if your wrong make her come to you. Woman like to test you to see if you come back, when you do time after time they know they got you and your not going anywhere......your married so I'm sure it's different. I never been married so I can only give you my experience in dating. If your married she shouldn't be getting mad because you love her and want to have sex

 

[WeirdAl]

If you've read my thread here, you know I'm going through pretty much the exact same thing... I've had sex once in the last (3 months now?)... And my wife and I have talked divorce. I think both of us want to make things work. We started going to a marriage counselor, and that has made things a lot better... Still no sex, which frustrates the hell out of me, but hopefully that will come with time. One of the main issues in my relationship is that my wife is depressed, and under a lot of pressure, and possibly has hormone imbalances (that none of the dr's she's gone to will try and do much to diagnose). We are doing sessions together with the counselor, and sessions individually, too. In the individual session, the dr told me to put my energy into other aspects of the marriage, and the sex will come around. Like I said, no evidence of that so far (after 3 weeks of counseling), but other aspects are improving. It's kind of funny that my wife thinks all these things about my opinions on stuff, even though I say what I really feel (which is opposite to what feelings she attributes to me). The counseling I think is helping us with that.

Anyway, I'd sign up for marriage counseling. The vacation might not be a bad idea either, but I think that'd probably make things ok while you were gone, and then back to screwed up afterwards.

Oh, and I'd get a female counselor, for sure.

 

[BLEED GREEN]

Big man,

I was in a VERY similar situation about 3 years ago. Did the vacation thing, marrige counselor, etc..I just ended up walking on eggshells around her. We had been married 4 1/2 years at that time. this is not a topic I would usually discuss with my parents but I did(they are still in love after 41 yrs of marrige). My dad said "THE DAY YOU CAN LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND HONESTLY SAY THAT YOU HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING AND ARE NOT 99% BUT 100% SURE THAT NOTHING WILL HAPPEN- THEN AND ONLY THEN DO YOU CONSIDER WALKING OUT ETC) As it turned out I was at 99%-@ 1mo later like a bolt of lightning everything turned 180 degrees- my wife and I are married 8 yrs and it could not be better. Sometimes you may not see changes- they just happen. My .02

I truly hope things work out the best-

 

[WeirdAl]

Did the marriage counseling help you at all, BG? BTW, I also just talked to my mom about things... She divorced my dad when I was ~4, and I also wanted to know the details of that. It helped me a lot, mentally, to talk to her.

 

[BLEED GREEN]

Yes Al it did-You need to find a counselor that BOTH of you are confortable opening up with. With us 1/2 the meetings were together and the other 1/2 were 1 on 1. I'm telling you I would suggest a counselor BEFORE peole get married. Thats said in a good way.

 

[WeirdAl]

Yeah, we're seeing the same thing. I wanted to go with a woman dr, especially because I knew sex was a big issue for me, and didn't think a male dr talking to my wife about sex would make her comfortable. And my wife and I have both commented that people should have maintenance appts with counselors, or get marriage counseling as a wedding gift, or whatever... To try and nip issues in the bud before they become big problems. So far, a very positive experience. In fact, due to a screw up, our appt for this last week got cancelled, and we were both really upset about it.

 

[BLEED GREEN]

We are the same way- We still go about once every 3-4mo-The counselor is now retired, (she is a woman psychiatrist by the way) We both look forward to it- she has become a friend but you still end up talking about things that you might not always talk about when you are together.

 

[bigshug]

It's definitely a tough situation for me, I've always been a pretty sexual person, so the lack of sex isn't something I was used to....when we first met, our sex life was a lot better, but we were also getting drunk almost everyday so it made things much "easier".....I don't think I should have to get her liquored up just to get her in the mood, although without fail, whenever she gets drunk she ends up talking shit most of the night and then passing out when we get home...AAAGHGHH!!
I've tried leaving her alone - seemed to be exactly what she wanted. She sees me having fun with other people, and she sees womens (yes, I meant to spell it that way) who think I'm attractive, and make open comments about it. She seems really confident that I won't leave her, regardless of the situation or circumstances.

When she suggested the counselor, I asked her if she'd really listen and understand to whomever it may be - and I asked if she'd "take it" if someone else told her that what she was doing was unfair.....no answer, so I don't think she'll believe it even coming from a trained professional. She seems to want to punish me with no sex whenever something doesn't go her way......"you didn't clean the house today" - no sex. "You didn't finish the ceiling in the kitchen today" - no sex. Now, she's not coming out and saying this directly but it's what happens.

Just for a little more info on MY situation - I took a kick ass position with my company, on third shift late last year. She didn't like the idea, but I wasn't making enough money in my other position to support everything going on in the house. To make matters worse, she works part time 3 days a week from 10-6pm during which time I have to watch the children.....then go into work at 11pm. So, for 3 days out of the week, I average 3-4 hrs of sleep per night. She says she can't take the kids with her to work (although she works in a kids store that has a huge play area) because it's "too inconvenient". What about me going into work on 3 hrs sleep? Isn't that inconvenient to me??

She says she just can't feel sexually attracted to someone she's upset with....but she's not upset with me. And when she runs around flirting all day and grabbing my butt, it tends to make me think that something'll happen later on....95% of the time - nothing.

Another thing is the fact that she's not been with many guys (I'm thinking two, including me) and she's too embarrassed to talk about what she likes and doesn't like sexually. Whenever I ask, she just says "I like everything you do".....well, obviously not since if she liked it so much, it would come more often - no pun intended.

I'm almost at the end of my rope folks....she seems happy just to float along and play married couple, but I'm ready to lay down an ultimatum......ladies, any comments? Am I being totally unreasonable??

 

[footballcat]

Man i wish you and AL the best of luck. Its got to be hard being married and not getting any.

 

[WeirdAl]

bigshug - I'd definitely go to the marriage counselor. If nothing else, you'd know you gave it a shot. But, I think it'd help her come to terms with what she feels, why she's doing things, what she's doing, etc.

I'm kind of to the point where emotionally I don't even want to have sex with my wife... The last time we had sex, I was basically being very touchy-feely with her, and she said "If we have sex, will you leave me alone?" That makes me feel real good about things.

 

[92StangMan]

Damn, bro, I sort of know where you're coming from.

My GF and I of almost 8 months broke up because of no sex. The first 2-3 months, I kept quiet about it until I got tired of doing everything to her and nothing on me. She blew me, maybe, five times during the 8 months I went out with her and I messed around with her at least 40-45 times. She would always say that she didn't want to have sex and if she said that she did while messing around, she wouldn't mean it. About 10-times, or so, she would say it while we were fooling around and I hated myself for going along with it and just stopping. She kept saying she was sorry and she'd do more to me the next time but the same ole shit would go on. Finally, the first day of March last month, we were messing around and she went down on me and I wanted to fuck REALLY bad and she said no. I put my shoes on and as I was getting ready to leave, she started crying and saying how sorry she was but she wasn't "ready (although she was NOT a virgin!)" She asked me why I was still with her from the way she treated me and I looked into her eyes and said "Because I love you." I waited for her to say it back but she didn't. I knew she did but at a time like that, I needed to hear it. I went home and I started to get blue balls and that pissed me off more so I gave her an ultimatum and it came down to her saying that she would ask her mom if she could get on birth control and I asked if that's what she wanted and she said no. Then things started to go downhill and I said fuck it. After we broke up, I missed her so damned bad and I actually cried about it for the first night. She was the first girl that I had loved and ended it because of my sexual needs. Now, a month later, I am glad I did what I did.

Shug & AL, I wish you the best of luck and I will pray that things turn out for the best!

 

[Harvey Balboner]

Damn, I really don't have experience to give advice, but I would drag her ass to a marriage counsler and try to fix things.

 

[Choke03]

I feel for you bro, I get real edgy after a week. I can't imagine 14 months. That is love my brudda., your a hell of a good guy to stick by thru that. I hope you work things out you obviously love her.

 

[bigshug]

Thanks for all of the input, guys.....at the least I know I have support from the board no matter what happens

 

[Saks]

BigShug, remember that I am here still if you need anything. PM me or call me at work or home. Shit lets get together at the gym and brain storm. Al has some good advice as well as everyone else. I hope that this helps you in your very tough decision.

 

[shiko24]

wow! I really do not know what to say here. I was married and now divorced. and have been for 2 years when me and my ex-wife were dating we had great sex all the time, quickies when ever and where ever head on the highway all kinds of good stuff. but after we got married things stopped. all the good stuff any way. we still had sex every now and then but it was nothing like it was befor. I hated it because of the change in sex there was a hugh change in our life and as merried couple we drifted apart and started down diffrent paths even tho we were married. I hated it and could not take it and I made a bad chioce and cheated on her. more than once. I was and still am a very sexual person as well. and I need that in my life. I like sex and want in on a some what regular basis. so I know what you are going through and I hate it for you. I know you do not think she is cheating on you but, I know from some other girls that I have had long term realtionships with that not wanting to "put out" is a lot of times a good sign that they are getting it else where and do not want to give it to you because they are more into the other person. this is just a though and nnot the case every time. I would not trun a blind eye to the chance that it may be true. do not be naive, if you can not see any other problems with your marriage ie things go fine with the every day stuff then there should be no problem in the bedroom you are a much stronger man than I was. if I had to wait 14 months I would have been gone so I give you a lot of respect in that area. I do agree with some of the others go out have fun live your life and be a good father (I know you prolly are) but do not let life pass you by go, do, if she wants you bad enough she will come around if not well you have new friends and a new found life with ppl who want to make you happy AND YES YOUR HAPPINESS IS VERY IMPORTANT !!!!!!! god luck brother I hope things work out for you ! and you have a good happy life ahead of you ! just my .02cts hope it helps