Hunting Hazards

Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Deer Hunting in Bear Country

A first time deer hunter booked a hunt with an experienced outfitter. He would be hunting a productive area, but it was filled with grizzly bears. When he got to camp, he insisted that his guide be 60 years old or older. The outfitter thought this was very odd, seeing that the hunter himself was in his early thirties.

The novice hunter downed a nice buck, but skinning and butchering the deer attracted some big grizzlies in the area. The hunter returned to base camp with his clothes shredded, telling the story of being attacked by a bear.

The outfitter wanted to know where his guide was. The hunter said he was still laying in the woods. The outfitter asked him how his clothes got torn, and the hunter said that while they were working on the deer carcass, a grizzly bear had ambushed them and he was attacked.

He said, "I hit the bear with my gun and took off running. As I was running away the guide yelled at me to play dead, that you can't outrun a bear. I yelled back, I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."

Stockbroker Goes Deer Hunting

A stockbroker from New York City got tired of all the stories of his office colleagues who went deer hunting each fall. They frequently boasted of their prowess in the hunt and how many deer they had bagged. So not to be outdone this broker decides he's going hunting to show them all up. He buys the most expensive rifle available, all his hunting clothes and gear from Cabela's, gets his license and then goes hunting. After an exasperating day of hiking through the brush and briars without seeing a single deer, he heads back to his car. On the way back, he sees a nice buck standing in a small clearing. He raises his rifle and blazes away at it and actually hit it. The buck ran and finally fell in a nearby farmyard.

As the hunter started to climb over the fence to retrieve his kill, he was confronted by a farmer who says, "Where in the heck, do you think you're going city boy?"

The guy replies, "I'm going to get my buck.

The farmer replies, "My property, my buck."

The guy says, "Oh come on, I've been out here all day and and that is the only buck that I've seen, I shot it and it's my buck!"

The farmer again says, "My property, my buck."

Well, they argued for a few minutes and, finally, the farmer says, "Ok, I'll tell you what, we'll settle this country style."

The guy says, "What's that?"

The farmer says, "Well, I kick you in the crotch as hard as I can, and then you kick me in the crotch as hard as you can, and we keep this up and the last man standing keeps the buck."

The guy not wanting to return home empty-handed reluctantly agrees. The farmer wearing large heavy work boots haul back and kicks the guy in the crotch with all his might. The guy's eyes roll back in his head, he coughs and wheezes but barely manages to remain standing.

He composes himself somewhat and says to the farmer, "Okay, now its my turn."

The farmer replies, "Oh, you can have the buck."

2 Deer Hunters Walk Into a Roadhouse
*lmao*

Two deer hunters walk into a roadhouse to wash the dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer & talking about their latest deer hunt. Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the deer hunters looks at her & says, "Can you swallow?" The woman shakes her head no.
The deer hunter says,"Can you breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue & shakes her head.

The deer hunter walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties & slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm & the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar & takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "You know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.

A Minister Goes Deerhunting

John was a minister who neglected his congregational duties on opening weekend to go deer hunting. While out hunting, he stopped to take a break when suddenly he was confronted by the largest, meanest looking bear he had ever seen.

The bear stood and advanced on him, popping it's jaws and snarling. In his fear, John emptied his rifle without hitting the bear. Dropping the gun, he turned and ran as fast as he could in a vain attempt to outrun the bear. John ran up to the edge of a very steep cliff.

John was terrified and knew he was going to be attacked. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, John got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord! Please give this bear some RELIGION!"

The skies darkened and a bolt of lightning flashed.

Just a few feet short of John, the bear came to abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat confused. He seemed to become very calm. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, put his paws together, bent his head, and said "Thank you, Lord, for the food I'm about to receive."

A Carload of Deerhunters

A carload of deer hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?

The hunter said, "Sure" and headed for the car.

Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his deer hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."

With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his rifle out and blasted the mule. Then he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!"

A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his deer hunting buddies shouted, "I got his cow, lets get out of here!!!"

Father and Son Go Deerhunting

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."

sachet darling, are you making fun of us hunters?

couple good ones there i'll have to use at work tomorrow.

Why.. have any of those things ever come close to happening to you?
*lol*
Actually, since I've been reading along in your hunting thread.. you guys did pop into my mind when I came across these jokes so I thought I'd give you a grin

well, i did have a deermouse run up the leg of my pants but he got squished before he reached my nutsack. and, i did have a buddy that was sneaking up on a heard of what he thought were deer in the dark til he got close enough to see that is was a donkey and a few cows out in a pasture.
oh, there are many many more but its only funny when we reminice at the cabin while chugging jim beam and budweiser.

Therewas a guy that tried to get past a check point by the DEC by dressing a deer as a hunter (clothes and hat) never the less he didn't fool them LMAO.

huntergatherer said:

well, i did have a deermouse run up the leg of my pants...

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*LMAO*
I have a feeling you made every guy who read that flinch!

mailboxkillR said:

Therewas a guy that tried to get past a check point by the DEC by dressing a deer as a hunter (clothes and hat) never the less he didn't fool them LMAO.

Click to expand...

*LMAO*
In Jersey, people dress up blowup dolls to use the express lane during morning rush hour.